6. A Time for Everything

 As a community of parents,  I am grateful for the journey we shared this past year. I am blessed by the insights and questions that we presented to each other.  The time spent makes us wiser and more ready for the challenges ahead.  

As a concluding remark, I would like to share a quote from Ecclesiastes 3:11.  Kind Soloman said, " He (God) has made everything beautiful in its time.  He (God) has also set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end...." (NIV)

A time for reflection and a time for action:

We adapt as we listen to our children, observe their development and understand how to be a parent in times like these.  We collaborate with our children, with nature, and with God when we act.  We are fully aware of the needs and struggles of this challenging task as adaptive parents.  

A time to mourn and a time to laugh:

We adapt as we face the losses in life.  Our children are experiencing great social changes.  Their friends are leaving, they miss face-to-face contact, and they become more sendentary.  We as a family need to revive contacts, engage more with each other and bring back joy and fun.

A time to tear down and a time to build:

We all long to have a calmer time in the second half of 2021 and enjoy the new 2022 school year.  We hope that school may resume in full, travel bans removed and life return to relative normality.  "Faith, Hope and Love" are part of our longing for eternity.  Let us be a generation of adaptive parents not only for our kids but for this generation of lost time and experiences.  May they grow in physical health, relational closeness, and in favor with God and men. 

5. How well are you doing?

 We are coming close to the end of the school year. As parents in developing adaptive skills for the new normal, how well are we doing?

1. Cognitive Flexibility:  Am I thinking outside the box? Can I see things from my spouse's or my child's perspective?  Do I listen well while suspending my judgment?

2. Emotional Capacity: Am I able to label my own emotions first? Do I know what kind of struggles that my spouse or child is going through? Can I express my feelings and my needs so that the other person may understand?

3. Behavioral Consistency: Do I do what I say? Is there a routine that protects safety and establishes a healthy rhythm in my household?  Do I spend enough time at home to build relationships?

4. Crisis Management Skills: Am I aware of my spouse and my children's daily struggles?  Do I listen and journey with them? Do I have space for myself to relax and gather strength after a long day?  Am I good at managing crisis on both the incident level and the psychological level?  Am I ready to act to protect and provide for my family?  

4.3 Barriers to Crisis Management

 Families vary in their readiness to face changes and crises in their lives.  Here are a few barriers to overcome in developing practical crisis management skills.

1. Fearful about changes: Due to past trauma or lack of skills, we get stuck in the past.  We are incapable of moving forward.

2. Rigidity in thinking: We cannot entertain other new ideas or think outside the box.  

3. Lacking emotional capacity: Parents are expected to guide the family through changes. If either parent is incapable of feeling empathic, then signs are missed, emotions are discounted, and discussions are killed. 

4. Too busy: Time and again, when we are not available to listen or build a relationship,  nothing will happen.

5. Disconnected: When disconnected with the hearts, we may manage events well but not the relationships. 

Overcoming these barriers requires the humility of our hearts and the readiness to act.  Crisis management not only addresses the incident; it addresses the impact on the psyche and the relationship.

4.2 Crisis Management Skills II

A great way to prepare for sudden changes or crises is to assess the situations, provide drills, practices, and briefing before or after the changes.

It is important to assess the risks and access the resources available.

I. Assess risks:

• risk of becoming sedentary
• risk of becoming isolated
• risk of living in a greenhouse
• risk of feeling overwhelmed
• risk of self-harming behaviors
• risk of imposter syndrome

II. Access resources:

• school, community, and professionals
• check out https://crisisprevention.com
• check out Apps: Smiling Minds (for age 7-18), Mindshift, Stop Breathe and Think Kids, Calm, Headspace, Fabulous Self Care, Emotionary..., What's Good: daily gratitude

4.1 Crisis Management Skills I

 What is Crisis?

Any crisis is an opportunity for growth.  Crisis happens daily.  It stretches our perception, habits, and ways to relate to others and ourselves.

Developmental Crisis happens when our child first leaves our secured presence.   Our child may cry, feel the loss or pain in separation.  He or she may adjust quickly when they meet others who care and relate to them with acceptance.  Other everyday crises may include making new friends and losing others, losing a familiar environment, and moving to new exciting ones.  Growing up is filled with crisis.  Those who adjusted well to any crisis are the ones who start with a safe attachment with a significant primary carer.  Then, the necessary experience is shared with a mature adult who can understand and support the journey.

A traumatic crisis is experienced when the event happens too suddenly or too much for the child or family.  When we are overwhelmed with this traumatic stress, we are too shocked to talk, understand, or seek support.  That is when we need a community or experienced adults around us to intervene and assist the child or family in weathering through the storm.

We seek a safe environment to calm down before we can tackle the crisis.  Then, we remember the essential skills that help to manage the situation at hand.  These skills are best learned before an emergency occurs.  These skills are best acquired with drills and practices in peaceful times.  Like the earthquake survival skills practiced in Japanese schools,  we can prepare our children and family members to face any crisis in life.

1. Seek out a safe place to calm down is of utmost importance.  Do we have a home where our child can return without judgment or rejection? Instead, they can be themselves, emotionally and physically disheveled and disoriented.  They can find a place called home to find and pick themselves up again.

2. While facing shock, emotional numbness, confusion, and struggles, they need a blanket, a pillow, a stuffed animal, a glass of water, an empathic word, or just a hug.  Any practical help will strengthen that sense of safety and support.

3. Facing loss is healthy and necessary for any child to learn.  When our children observe any death around or good friends leaving, parents can listen and articulate the emotions, struggles, and doubts when the family pet dies.  This open sharing will normalize human reactions and create a safe space to explore and expand the capacity for handling life's complex emotions.  This will enhance the resiliency of the child and the relational ability for future crises. 

4. Connect emotionally by asking appropriate open questions like, how do you feel? What are you thinking about? what are your concerns or worries? What would you like to do?  These questions will express your care and help our children think of solutions on their own.

5. Only until you have practiced the above four skills may you choose to offer solutions or advice based on your experiences.  Remember, your experience may or may not match with theirs.  Your advice may help or not be accepted in the process.  Consider it as brainstorming, and it will be better off for all parties. 

3.1 Barriers to Behavior Consistency

 Barriers to Behavioral Consistency at home:

1. No routine- Everyone may have a different schedule to eat and relax.  There are no norms in when to eat together, no time to catch up and relax.  Everyone is doing their own thing.  To provide a family structure in eating, relaxing, and coming together to talk.

2. Unmanaged emotions- When emotions flare up, words are not censored nor think through before speaking.  There are hurt feelings, and the person shuts down.  Whatever needs to get done is suspended.  Step back and manage our emotions first before talking or acting.

3. Blame- Putting someone down does not accomplish anything.  Instead, it digs a deeper hole and blocks relationships. Affirm our children's strength and practice praises.

4. No time to reflect- If parents are too busy to communicate with each other or to think through what is best for our children, we are bound to act impulsively or act according to our own experiences.  We are not able to act upon the needs and pace alongside our children's development.  

5. Instant Culture- Changes take time.  Remember to take time out to breathe and encourage ourselves to take small steps to experience change firsthand (like doing exercise, keeping a diet, learning a language, and changing a habit).

"Thank you, dad and mom, for giving me a sense of safety and predictability because you say what you mean, and you do what you say. I know exactly what to expect when I cannot predict what will happen in the coming months at school or among my friends. I love you." ... shared by a student during COVID lockdown. 

3. Parent's Behavioral Consistency

 Behavioral Consistency is about providing our home with predictability and safety.  When parents do what they say, and when the child knows what is to come, this gives a sense of control and safety.  When there are abrupt changes around us, we look for stability, familiarity, consistency. When parents are consistent in their words, our child will experience positive encouragement.  It is a promise made.  It will be carried out.  Kids are confident that their parents or significant adults can be trusted because they do what they say and say what they mean.  These adults are trustworthy.  But when we do not follow up with our words, disappointment follows, and negative consequences of broken trust may occur.

Behavioral Consistency is also expressed through setting up routines in the homes—a productive timetable with work and play.  A verbal routine of praise and affirmation may build self-love.  When parents set up individual dates with their children, attention and affection can be expressed without the need to compare.  The consistency and structure of meal-times, story-times, and sleep-times are wonderful spaces to relax, talk and exchange affections and love.

Behavioral Consistency provides relational and environmental predictability for our children to feel a sense of control and safety.

In summary,  being consistent is to:

The ability to adapt to all the abrupt changes is to balance consistency and flexibility.

2.2 Barriers to Emotional Management

 We know the benefits of Emotional Management. However, we also discover the barriers to developing this vital skill.

If we can work through these few barriers and hurdles, our ability to relate, communicate and handle difficult situations will significantly enhance.

First, the lack of emotional vocabulary may contribute to emotional illiteracy.  Without the basic building blocks of labeling and recognizing our different emotions, we are like students entering university without the necessary knowledge or managing time and study.

Second, the lack of awareness of our bodily sensations.  It will be challenging for those who are cut off or disconnected from their body signals to comprehend emotions.  Emotions are often manifested through our bodily senses.  Labeling emotions while linking them to physical signs is essential in expressing our feelings.

Third, the lack of constructive expressions or receptions through words and conversations.  Words in conversations entail putting a complex experience into an understandable means that ourselves and others can understand.  Moreover, when others hear our feelings, they can relate and respond appropriately.  In other words, if we do not have an appropriate response, we may not be willing to share again.  We need emotionally responsive and mature people to listen and reflect on our expressed feelings.  We can then become comfortable in expressing our emotions constructively.

Finally, our relationships' lack of safety may hinder our ability to manage emotions.  As a result of past hurts, pain, and trauma, we do not feel safe to express.  Although we may be aware of our feelings, we are afraid to speak them.  After a while, emotions accumulate and explode.   We may even feel so unsafe that we block out all access and feel numb.  Once we sense danger, we lose control.  Our emotions throw us into a tailspin.  We need help to work through these hurts, pains, and trauma. 

Emotional Management is a skill we all want in this time of abrupt changes.  We will do well if we work this through step by step by developing expressive vocabularies, learn to listen to our bodily signals, develop constructive expressions and work through our hurts and traumas.  

2. Parents' Emotional Management Skills

 The second area of adaptive skills that parents would like to develop in the survey is Emotional Management Skills.  It is similar to EQ or emotional intelligence or quotients.   Emotional Management Skills are a broader set of practices that include developing self-soothing/calming strategies, labeling our emotions, expressing anger constructively, being more self-affirming, and not take responsibility for how others feel.

In our survey, 73-76% would like to develop self-soothing/calming capacity.  Deep breathing helps.  Take a walk, talk calmly, and positively to ourselves also help.  More advanced techniques would include Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) exercises and practices.  The results are encouraging and validated in the research and medical communities.  I practice myself and found it helpful. 

About 44% would like to have the ability to label their own emotions and express anger constructively.  We may learn the complex nuances of feelings and learn to put them in words.  Our upbringing or culture may not encourage it; however, let us practice for the sake of our children.   As we become well-versed in emotional expression, we can better handle anger.  Anger is intense.  Anger is handled with open awareness.  Anger can then be expressed constructively.  Anger Management can be learned when we have a trusted guide who can take us on a journey.  This journey will reveal our deeper needs and expectations.  This journey will yield a fruitful outcome with a better understanding of ourselves and an intimate relationship with our family members. 

About 36% would like to be more self-affirming and not take responsibility for others' feelings.  To be an encouraging and affirming parent, we need to be that person to ourselves first.  Practice affirming self-talk and catch ourselves when we judge harshly, putting down, or degrading ourselves.  Be compassionate to yourself.  Daily practice is what we need, and not the occasional workshops or reading a book.   However, reading is still a great start. Read "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Townsend and Cloud is what I recommend.  Read and practice the principles. This experience will give you a brand new start in living happier and less burdened by others' feelings. 

Quote from "Boundaries with Teens" by Townsend:

"Understand that her desire to get away from you is normal. Accept that she is getting tired of your control, rules, and restrictions. Provide her with some positive and happy experiences at home. Work with her on establishing a reasonably happy and functional environment at home. Compromise when you can, love always, and be strict when you need to."

1.1 Barriers to Building Cognitive Flexible Skills

 Below are a few reasons why we have difficulties building cognitive flexible skills:

1. Habits- Some of us are so used to thinking from our own perspectives.  We are so comfortable in our own ways.  We ignore other possibilities and live in our own world.  The lack of interactions with others may make it worse.  Then, you might ask, why on earth is anyone so stuck in their own habits?  One reason is the lack of security.

2. Lacking Security- When we grow up and experience constant rejections in what we say, think, or do, the end result is to just stick with our own ways of seeing and doing things.  This is already a better outcome than those who constantly question themselves due to rejections.  When we don't feel secure in venturing out, we will hide and get stuck in our habits.  

3. Lack of Positive Experiences- Imagine if you are learning drawing, and you are told to follow a strict guideline in every stroke and choice of colors.  The well-trained student will be perfect at imitation and technical drawing.   As for those allowed to draw freely and explore their own styles early on, new and creative styles may emerge.  By asking ourselves, where do we learn to think flexibly and creatively?  The answer and follow up actions will help us think from multiple perspectives and become more flexible. 

4. Humility- This is a basic quality to help us first receive feedback from others and the humility to accept the need to change.  Our children are the greatest teacher to give us honest feedback and hold us daily accountable to change.  If we are humble, we listen, become more aware, and accept the need to see things from their perspectives.  If we refuse to change, we are just forcing them to conform to our ways of life.  If we accept humility, we are co-creating a new journey of life, breaking old habits and family of origin baggage of Do's and Don'ts.  

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ― C.G. Jung

“To change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.” ― Stephen R. Covey

1. Parents' Cognitive Flexibility Skills

 There are two aspects of this skill that warrant our attention.  First is the ability to think about our emotions and the other person's emotions without influenced by them.  The second is the ability to see things and think from our children's perspective and not just our own.  This is also a skill that 84% of our parents endorsed as one area of development.  

What is the cognitive flexibility towards our own emotions and the other person's emotions?  This skill requires practice to first identify our emotions as we are experiencing them in real-time.  Some of us feel overwhelmed by our own emotions.  We reacted and felt sorry for the hasty and sometimes destructive outcome.  For those who can identify and label our emotions immediately, we can create a healthy distance to examine what is happening and what I need to do next.  The cognitive flexibility extends to identifying and labeling what kind of emotions drive the other party's action, namely our children.  Understanding our children's developmental needs and the emotions that drive their behaviors will give us a comprehensive view of handling the situation at hand.  This cognitive flexibility of moving from acknowledging our own emotions and emotions brings about a calming effect to devise strategies and handle difficult situations.  

As a result, we are more able to see things from our children's perspectives.  In summary, the steps to gain this cognitive flexibility in seeing multiple perspectives are as follow:

1.  When things happen at home, notice the emotional reactions and physical sensations within us.
2.  Take a deep breath first.
3.  Continue with deep, slow breathing.
4.  Identify and label the emotions within and the physical sensation.
5.  May need "timeout" for yourself and your child.
6.  Acknowledge emotions, "I am feeling angry/sad/frustrated/confused/anxious/worried/not safe/..."
7.  Acknowledge sensations, "headache, stomachache, chest pain, heartache, shoulder, arm, leg..."
8.  Befriending yourself, "I am creating space to see, feel, and understand my child now."
9.  Befriending your child by not focusing on the behaviors or the content of their words.
10.  Befriending their emotions, "I can see that you are frustrated/ I hear that you are feeling angry..."
    
11.  Continue with breathing.
12.  Continue with Acknowledging and Befriending until both parties are calm.
13.  If not, you may need further "timeout."
14.  When calm, we can affirm and confront ("I see that you are angry, you want to get my attention and let me know that you do not like this.  I will pay attention in a way that you need next time.  I hope that you can speak up instead of throwing and breaking things next time.")

As we develop our cognitive flexibility skills, there is a strong relationship with having adequate emotional capacity.  The next discussion will focus on exploring our emotional capacity development.

Survey on Adaptive Skills Needed

 Thanks to the 58 responses received from parents from P1 to S6.

Here are some of the observations:

1. Almost all parents indicated that their children need to improve in these three skill sets, Focusing, Time Management, and Self-Encouragement in their study habits.

2. Almost 80% of the parents noticed that the students need to develop adaptive skills in relating to themselves, follow by improving relationships with friends and family. 

3. In terms of self-care,  there were some differences among the age groups: for the lower primary students, self-soothing, self-affirming skills, and physical exercises are needed.  For the upper primary students, self-affirming skill stands out.  For the lower secondary students, it's similar to the lower primary students.  As for the upper secondary, self-soothing, self-affirming, and sleep are needed. 

4. For additional skills needed, assertiveness at school, self-motivation, problem-solving skills, stress management, adaptive to changes, etc.

5. As for Parents' Cognitive Flexibility Skills needed, about 84% want to improve the ability to think from their child's perspective. Also, about 54% want to think out of the box and to be able to reflect for improvement.  About half of the parents would like to think and be calm before speaking.

6. As for Parents' Emotional Management Skills needed, about 73-76% would like to develop self-soothing/calming skills. About 44% would like to have the ability to label their own emotions and express anger constructively. About 36% would like to be more self-affirming and not take on responsibility for how others feel.

7. As for Parents' Behavioral Consistency Skills needed, about 69% would like to be more present and responsive to their children.  More than half of the parents would like to give more verbal expressions of love, praises, and affirmations.  About 40% would like to hug, kiss, play, and eat together more. 

8. As for Parents' Crisis Management Skills needed, over 60% would like to develop clearer communications and risk assessment ability.  Over half of the parents would like to do more scenario planning, fact-checking, and solution-focused thinking.  

Four Basic Adaptive Skills

We are in an unprecedented time in history.  Our children are going through tremendous external changes and internal adjustments in facing school, friends, family, and self.  As parents, we want to support and journey with them.  Often, we do not feel adequate nor equip to do so.  Here are three skills that other parents have shared:

1. Cognitive Flexibility:  It is the ability to think outside of the box.  When the situation changes, we can solve the problem rather than wait for instructions.  We can adapt new perspectives in understanding an old problem.  We reflect as to improve.  And we can see options more than issues. Even more critical, we can consider others' viewpoints, especially our children.  Their perspectives open up a new vista of learning for us.  Why would Jesus say that those who enter the Kingdom of God are like children?

2. Emotional Capacity: We need to be acquainted with emotional vocabularies and hear and sense our children's feelings.  We do not rush to offer solutions, but instead, we can reflect on feelings and emotions.  This capacity to listen, bear, and be with our children's emotional life creates a deeper bond and connection.  This capacity is the key to normalizing and stabilizing the emotional storm that may come when our children reach their teenage years or face abrupt changes.

3. Behavioral Consistency: Do what we say provides relational predictability.  Develop a routine amidst the chaotic changes provide environmental predictability.  Both give our children a sense of control and safety.  Routine gives a sense of security.  This could be a verbal routine of affirmation, "I love you."  It could also be a physical routine of hugs and kisses (or just sit next to them as they grow older).  Verbal praises and affirmation are needed.  Family meals, individual dates with each kid, playtime or bedtime stories are the best routine that reaches into their hearts.  They will remember these fun and meaningful time as they weather through the storms of life.  

4. Crisis Management Skills: Crisis can be transformed into opportunity.  Young people deeply feel the impact when their friends change schools.  Asking them how they feel will help the grieving process.  Their identity and confidence mature when they learn about the losses and gains in life.  As we face all kinds of systemic and structural changes in our society, we can choose to grow the experience into an opportunity or a crisis.  We need leadership to anticipate possible risks and be proactive in formulating strategies and action options.  Anyone who stays in their shell will not last.  

We will expand and explore these skills together in the coming sessions.

Assignments:

- Please spend 5 min. to complete the survey below.  We will share the result in our next meeting.

https://forms.gle/4Bro9afDxGdpdjiW6

- Please feel free to share your best practices with other parents in the comments section below.