The second area of adaptive skills that parents would like to develop in the survey is Emotional Management Skills. It is similar to EQ or emotional intelligence or quotients. Emotional Management Skills are a broader set of practices that include developing self-soothing/calming strategies, labeling our emotions, expressing anger constructively, being more self-affirming, and not take responsibility for how others feel.
In our survey, 73-76% would like to develop self-soothing/calming capacity. Deep breathing helps. Take a walk, talk calmly, and positively to ourselves also help. More advanced techniques would include Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) exercises and practices. The results are encouraging and validated in the research and medical communities. I practice myself and found it helpful.
About 44% would like to have the ability to label their own emotions and express anger constructively. We may learn the complex nuances of feelings and learn to put them in words. Our upbringing or culture may not encourage it; however, let us practice for the sake of our children. As we become well-versed in emotional expression, we can better handle anger. Anger is intense. Anger is handled with open awareness. Anger can then be expressed constructively. Anger Management can be learned when we have a trusted guide who can take us on a journey. This journey will reveal our deeper needs and expectations. This journey will yield a fruitful outcome with a better understanding of ourselves and an intimate relationship with our family members.
About 36% would like to be more self-affirming and not take responsibility for others' feelings. To be an encouraging and affirming parent, we need to be that person to ourselves first. Practice affirming self-talk and catch ourselves when we judge harshly, putting down, or degrading ourselves. Be compassionate to yourself. Daily practice is what we need, and not the occasional workshops or reading a book. However, reading is still a great start. Read "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Townsend and Cloud is what I recommend. Read and practice the principles. This experience will give you a brand new start in living happier and less burdened by others' feelings.
Quote from "Boundaries with Teens" by Townsend:
"Understand that her desire to get away from you is normal. Accept that she is getting tired of your control, rules, and restrictions. Provide her with some positive and happy experiences at home. Work with her on establishing a reasonably happy and functional environment at home. Compromise when you can, love always, and be strict when you need to."
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