3.1 Barriers to Behavior Consistency

 Barriers to Behavioral Consistency at home:

1. No routine- Everyone may have a different schedule to eat and relax.  There are no norms in when to eat together, no time to catch up and relax.  Everyone is doing their own thing.  To provide a family structure in eating, relaxing, and coming together to talk.

2. Unmanaged emotions- When emotions flare up, words are not censored nor think through before speaking.  There are hurt feelings, and the person shuts down.  Whatever needs to get done is suspended.  Step back and manage our emotions first before talking or acting.

3. Blame- Putting someone down does not accomplish anything.  Instead, it digs a deeper hole and blocks relationships. Affirm our children's strength and practice praises.

4. No time to reflect- If parents are too busy to communicate with each other or to think through what is best for our children, we are bound to act impulsively or act according to our own experiences.  We are not able to act upon the needs and pace alongside our children's development.  

5. Instant Culture- Changes take time.  Remember to take time out to breathe and encourage ourselves to take small steps to experience change firsthand (like doing exercise, keeping a diet, learning a language, and changing a habit).

"Thank you, dad and mom, for giving me a sense of safety and predictability because you say what you mean, and you do what you say. I know exactly what to expect when I cannot predict what will happen in the coming months at school or among my friends. I love you." ... shared by a student during COVID lockdown. 

3. Parent's Behavioral Consistency

 Behavioral Consistency is about providing our home with predictability and safety.  When parents do what they say, and when the child knows what is to come, this gives a sense of control and safety.  When there are abrupt changes around us, we look for stability, familiarity, consistency. When parents are consistent in their words, our child will experience positive encouragement.  It is a promise made.  It will be carried out.  Kids are confident that their parents or significant adults can be trusted because they do what they say and say what they mean.  These adults are trustworthy.  But when we do not follow up with our words, disappointment follows, and negative consequences of broken trust may occur.

Behavioral Consistency is also expressed through setting up routines in the homes—a productive timetable with work and play.  A verbal routine of praise and affirmation may build self-love.  When parents set up individual dates with their children, attention and affection can be expressed without the need to compare.  The consistency and structure of meal-times, story-times, and sleep-times are wonderful spaces to relax, talk and exchange affections and love.

Behavioral Consistency provides relational and environmental predictability for our children to feel a sense of control and safety.

In summary,  being consistent is to:

The ability to adapt to all the abrupt changes is to balance consistency and flexibility.

2.2 Barriers to Emotional Management

 We know the benefits of Emotional Management. However, we also discover the barriers to developing this vital skill.

If we can work through these few barriers and hurdles, our ability to relate, communicate and handle difficult situations will significantly enhance.

First, the lack of emotional vocabulary may contribute to emotional illiteracy.  Without the basic building blocks of labeling and recognizing our different emotions, we are like students entering university without the necessary knowledge or managing time and study.

Second, the lack of awareness of our bodily sensations.  It will be challenging for those who are cut off or disconnected from their body signals to comprehend emotions.  Emotions are often manifested through our bodily senses.  Labeling emotions while linking them to physical signs is essential in expressing our feelings.

Third, the lack of constructive expressions or receptions through words and conversations.  Words in conversations entail putting a complex experience into an understandable means that ourselves and others can understand.  Moreover, when others hear our feelings, they can relate and respond appropriately.  In other words, if we do not have an appropriate response, we may not be willing to share again.  We need emotionally responsive and mature people to listen and reflect on our expressed feelings.  We can then become comfortable in expressing our emotions constructively.

Finally, our relationships' lack of safety may hinder our ability to manage emotions.  As a result of past hurts, pain, and trauma, we do not feel safe to express.  Although we may be aware of our feelings, we are afraid to speak them.  After a while, emotions accumulate and explode.   We may even feel so unsafe that we block out all access and feel numb.  Once we sense danger, we lose control.  Our emotions throw us into a tailspin.  We need help to work through these hurts, pains, and trauma. 

Emotional Management is a skill we all want in this time of abrupt changes.  We will do well if we work this through step by step by developing expressive vocabularies, learn to listen to our bodily signals, develop constructive expressions and work through our hurts and traumas.  

2. Parents' Emotional Management Skills

 The second area of adaptive skills that parents would like to develop in the survey is Emotional Management Skills.  It is similar to EQ or emotional intelligence or quotients.   Emotional Management Skills are a broader set of practices that include developing self-soothing/calming strategies, labeling our emotions, expressing anger constructively, being more self-affirming, and not take responsibility for how others feel.

In our survey, 73-76% would like to develop self-soothing/calming capacity.  Deep breathing helps.  Take a walk, talk calmly, and positively to ourselves also help.  More advanced techniques would include Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) exercises and practices.  The results are encouraging and validated in the research and medical communities.  I practice myself and found it helpful. 

About 44% would like to have the ability to label their own emotions and express anger constructively.  We may learn the complex nuances of feelings and learn to put them in words.  Our upbringing or culture may not encourage it; however, let us practice for the sake of our children.   As we become well-versed in emotional expression, we can better handle anger.  Anger is intense.  Anger is handled with open awareness.  Anger can then be expressed constructively.  Anger Management can be learned when we have a trusted guide who can take us on a journey.  This journey will reveal our deeper needs and expectations.  This journey will yield a fruitful outcome with a better understanding of ourselves and an intimate relationship with our family members. 

About 36% would like to be more self-affirming and not take responsibility for others' feelings.  To be an encouraging and affirming parent, we need to be that person to ourselves first.  Practice affirming self-talk and catch ourselves when we judge harshly, putting down, or degrading ourselves.  Be compassionate to yourself.  Daily practice is what we need, and not the occasional workshops or reading a book.   However, reading is still a great start. Read "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Townsend and Cloud is what I recommend.  Read and practice the principles. This experience will give you a brand new start in living happier and less burdened by others' feelings. 

Quote from "Boundaries with Teens" by Townsend:

"Understand that her desire to get away from you is normal. Accept that she is getting tired of your control, rules, and restrictions. Provide her with some positive and happy experiences at home. Work with her on establishing a reasonably happy and functional environment at home. Compromise when you can, love always, and be strict when you need to."

1.1 Barriers to Building Cognitive Flexible Skills

 Below are a few reasons why we have difficulties building cognitive flexible skills:

1. Habits- Some of us are so used to thinking from our own perspectives.  We are so comfortable in our own ways.  We ignore other possibilities and live in our own world.  The lack of interactions with others may make it worse.  Then, you might ask, why on earth is anyone so stuck in their own habits?  One reason is the lack of security.

2. Lacking Security- When we grow up and experience constant rejections in what we say, think, or do, the end result is to just stick with our own ways of seeing and doing things.  This is already a better outcome than those who constantly question themselves due to rejections.  When we don't feel secure in venturing out, we will hide and get stuck in our habits.  

3. Lack of Positive Experiences- Imagine if you are learning drawing, and you are told to follow a strict guideline in every stroke and choice of colors.  The well-trained student will be perfect at imitation and technical drawing.   As for those allowed to draw freely and explore their own styles early on, new and creative styles may emerge.  By asking ourselves, where do we learn to think flexibly and creatively?  The answer and follow up actions will help us think from multiple perspectives and become more flexible. 

4. Humility- This is a basic quality to help us first receive feedback from others and the humility to accept the need to change.  Our children are the greatest teacher to give us honest feedback and hold us daily accountable to change.  If we are humble, we listen, become more aware, and accept the need to see things from their perspectives.  If we refuse to change, we are just forcing them to conform to our ways of life.  If we accept humility, we are co-creating a new journey of life, breaking old habits and family of origin baggage of Do's and Don'ts.  

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ― C.G. Jung

“To change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.” ― Stephen R. Covey

1. Parents' Cognitive Flexibility Skills

 There are two aspects of this skill that warrant our attention.  First is the ability to think about our emotions and the other person's emotions without influenced by them.  The second is the ability to see things and think from our children's perspective and not just our own.  This is also a skill that 84% of our parents endorsed as one area of development.  

What is the cognitive flexibility towards our own emotions and the other person's emotions?  This skill requires practice to first identify our emotions as we are experiencing them in real-time.  Some of us feel overwhelmed by our own emotions.  We reacted and felt sorry for the hasty and sometimes destructive outcome.  For those who can identify and label our emotions immediately, we can create a healthy distance to examine what is happening and what I need to do next.  The cognitive flexibility extends to identifying and labeling what kind of emotions drive the other party's action, namely our children.  Understanding our children's developmental needs and the emotions that drive their behaviors will give us a comprehensive view of handling the situation at hand.  This cognitive flexibility of moving from acknowledging our own emotions and emotions brings about a calming effect to devise strategies and handle difficult situations.  

As a result, we are more able to see things from our children's perspectives.  In summary, the steps to gain this cognitive flexibility in seeing multiple perspectives are as follow:

1.  When things happen at home, notice the emotional reactions and physical sensations within us.
2.  Take a deep breath first.
3.  Continue with deep, slow breathing.
4.  Identify and label the emotions within and the physical sensation.
5.  May need "timeout" for yourself and your child.
6.  Acknowledge emotions, "I am feeling angry/sad/frustrated/confused/anxious/worried/not safe/..."
7.  Acknowledge sensations, "headache, stomachache, chest pain, heartache, shoulder, arm, leg..."
8.  Befriending yourself, "I am creating space to see, feel, and understand my child now."
9.  Befriending your child by not focusing on the behaviors or the content of their words.
10.  Befriending their emotions, "I can see that you are frustrated/ I hear that you are feeling angry..."
    
11.  Continue with breathing.
12.  Continue with Acknowledging and Befriending until both parties are calm.
13.  If not, you may need further "timeout."
14.  When calm, we can affirm and confront ("I see that you are angry, you want to get my attention and let me know that you do not like this.  I will pay attention in a way that you need next time.  I hope that you can speak up instead of throwing and breaking things next time.")

As we develop our cognitive flexibility skills, there is a strong relationship with having adequate emotional capacity.  The next discussion will focus on exploring our emotional capacity development.

Survey on Adaptive Skills Needed

 Thanks to the 58 responses received from parents from P1 to S6.

Here are some of the observations:

1. Almost all parents indicated that their children need to improve in these three skill sets, Focusing, Time Management, and Self-Encouragement in their study habits.

2. Almost 80% of the parents noticed that the students need to develop adaptive skills in relating to themselves, follow by improving relationships with friends and family. 

3. In terms of self-care,  there were some differences among the age groups: for the lower primary students, self-soothing, self-affirming skills, and physical exercises are needed.  For the upper primary students, self-affirming skill stands out.  For the lower secondary students, it's similar to the lower primary students.  As for the upper secondary, self-soothing, self-affirming, and sleep are needed. 

4. For additional skills needed, assertiveness at school, self-motivation, problem-solving skills, stress management, adaptive to changes, etc.

5. As for Parents' Cognitive Flexibility Skills needed, about 84% want to improve the ability to think from their child's perspective. Also, about 54% want to think out of the box and to be able to reflect for improvement.  About half of the parents would like to think and be calm before speaking.

6. As for Parents' Emotional Management Skills needed, about 73-76% would like to develop self-soothing/calming skills. About 44% would like to have the ability to label their own emotions and express anger constructively. About 36% would like to be more self-affirming and not take on responsibility for how others feel.

7. As for Parents' Behavioral Consistency Skills needed, about 69% would like to be more present and responsive to their children.  More than half of the parents would like to give more verbal expressions of love, praises, and affirmations.  About 40% would like to hug, kiss, play, and eat together more. 

8. As for Parents' Crisis Management Skills needed, over 60% would like to develop clearer communications and risk assessment ability.  Over half of the parents would like to do more scenario planning, fact-checking, and solution-focused thinking.