6. A Time for Everything

 As a community of parents,  I am grateful for the journey we shared this past year. I am blessed by the insights and questions that we presented to each other.  The time spent makes us wiser and more ready for the challenges ahead.  

As a concluding remark, I would like to share a quote from Ecclesiastes 3:11.  Kind Soloman said, " He (God) has made everything beautiful in its time.  He (God) has also set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end...." (NIV)

A time for reflection and a time for action:

We adapt as we listen to our children, observe their development and understand how to be a parent in times like these.  We collaborate with our children, with nature, and with God when we act.  We are fully aware of the needs and struggles of this challenging task as adaptive parents.  

A time to mourn and a time to laugh:

We adapt as we face the losses in life.  Our children are experiencing great social changes.  Their friends are leaving, they miss face-to-face contact, and they become more sendentary.  We as a family need to revive contacts, engage more with each other and bring back joy and fun.

A time to tear down and a time to build:

We all long to have a calmer time in the second half of 2021 and enjoy the new 2022 school year.  We hope that school may resume in full, travel bans removed and life return to relative normality.  "Faith, Hope and Love" are part of our longing for eternity.  Let us be a generation of adaptive parents not only for our kids but for this generation of lost time and experiences.  May they grow in physical health, relational closeness, and in favor with God and men. 

5. How well are you doing?

 We are coming close to the end of the school year. As parents in developing adaptive skills for the new normal, how well are we doing?

1. Cognitive Flexibility:  Am I thinking outside the box? Can I see things from my spouse's or my child's perspective?  Do I listen well while suspending my judgment?

2. Emotional Capacity: Am I able to label my own emotions first? Do I know what kind of struggles that my spouse or child is going through? Can I express my feelings and my needs so that the other person may understand?

3. Behavioral Consistency: Do I do what I say? Is there a routine that protects safety and establishes a healthy rhythm in my household?  Do I spend enough time at home to build relationships?

4. Crisis Management Skills: Am I aware of my spouse and my children's daily struggles?  Do I listen and journey with them? Do I have space for myself to relax and gather strength after a long day?  Am I good at managing crisis on both the incident level and the psychological level?  Am I ready to act to protect and provide for my family?  

4.3 Barriers to Crisis Management

 Families vary in their readiness to face changes and crises in their lives.  Here are a few barriers to overcome in developing practical crisis management skills.

1. Fearful about changes: Due to past trauma or lack of skills, we get stuck in the past.  We are incapable of moving forward.

2. Rigidity in thinking: We cannot entertain other new ideas or think outside the box.  

3. Lacking emotional capacity: Parents are expected to guide the family through changes. If either parent is incapable of feeling empathic, then signs are missed, emotions are discounted, and discussions are killed. 

4. Too busy: Time and again, when we are not available to listen or build a relationship,  nothing will happen.

5. Disconnected: When disconnected with the hearts, we may manage events well but not the relationships. 

Overcoming these barriers requires the humility of our hearts and the readiness to act.  Crisis management not only addresses the incident; it addresses the impact on the psyche and the relationship.

4.2 Crisis Management Skills II

A great way to prepare for sudden changes or crises is to assess the situations, provide drills, practices, and briefing before or after the changes.

It is important to assess the risks and access the resources available.

I. Assess risks:

• risk of becoming sedentary
• risk of becoming isolated
• risk of living in a greenhouse
• risk of feeling overwhelmed
• risk of self-harming behaviors
• risk of imposter syndrome

II. Access resources:

• school, community, and professionals
• check out https://crisisprevention.com
• check out Apps: Smiling Minds (for age 7-18), Mindshift, Stop Breathe and Think Kids, Calm, Headspace, Fabulous Self Care, Emotionary..., What's Good: daily gratitude

4.1 Crisis Management Skills I

 What is Crisis?

Any crisis is an opportunity for growth.  Crisis happens daily.  It stretches our perception, habits, and ways to relate to others and ourselves.

Developmental Crisis happens when our child first leaves our secured presence.   Our child may cry, feel the loss or pain in separation.  He or she may adjust quickly when they meet others who care and relate to them with acceptance.  Other everyday crises may include making new friends and losing others, losing a familiar environment, and moving to new exciting ones.  Growing up is filled with crisis.  Those who adjusted well to any crisis are the ones who start with a safe attachment with a significant primary carer.  Then, the necessary experience is shared with a mature adult who can understand and support the journey.

A traumatic crisis is experienced when the event happens too suddenly or too much for the child or family.  When we are overwhelmed with this traumatic stress, we are too shocked to talk, understand, or seek support.  That is when we need a community or experienced adults around us to intervene and assist the child or family in weathering through the storm.

We seek a safe environment to calm down before we can tackle the crisis.  Then, we remember the essential skills that help to manage the situation at hand.  These skills are best learned before an emergency occurs.  These skills are best acquired with drills and practices in peaceful times.  Like the earthquake survival skills practiced in Japanese schools,  we can prepare our children and family members to face any crisis in life.

1. Seek out a safe place to calm down is of utmost importance.  Do we have a home where our child can return without judgment or rejection? Instead, they can be themselves, emotionally and physically disheveled and disoriented.  They can find a place called home to find and pick themselves up again.

2. While facing shock, emotional numbness, confusion, and struggles, they need a blanket, a pillow, a stuffed animal, a glass of water, an empathic word, or just a hug.  Any practical help will strengthen that sense of safety and support.

3. Facing loss is healthy and necessary for any child to learn.  When our children observe any death around or good friends leaving, parents can listen and articulate the emotions, struggles, and doubts when the family pet dies.  This open sharing will normalize human reactions and create a safe space to explore and expand the capacity for handling life's complex emotions.  This will enhance the resiliency of the child and the relational ability for future crises. 

4. Connect emotionally by asking appropriate open questions like, how do you feel? What are you thinking about? what are your concerns or worries? What would you like to do?  These questions will express your care and help our children think of solutions on their own.

5. Only until you have practiced the above four skills may you choose to offer solutions or advice based on your experiences.  Remember, your experience may or may not match with theirs.  Your advice may help or not be accepted in the process.  Consider it as brainstorming, and it will be better off for all parties. 

3.1 Barriers to Behavior Consistency

 Barriers to Behavioral Consistency at home:

1. No routine- Everyone may have a different schedule to eat and relax.  There are no norms in when to eat together, no time to catch up and relax.  Everyone is doing their own thing.  To provide a family structure in eating, relaxing, and coming together to talk.

2. Unmanaged emotions- When emotions flare up, words are not censored nor think through before speaking.  There are hurt feelings, and the person shuts down.  Whatever needs to get done is suspended.  Step back and manage our emotions first before talking or acting.

3. Blame- Putting someone down does not accomplish anything.  Instead, it digs a deeper hole and blocks relationships. Affirm our children's strength and practice praises.

4. No time to reflect- If parents are too busy to communicate with each other or to think through what is best for our children, we are bound to act impulsively or act according to our own experiences.  We are not able to act upon the needs and pace alongside our children's development.  

5. Instant Culture- Changes take time.  Remember to take time out to breathe and encourage ourselves to take small steps to experience change firsthand (like doing exercise, keeping a diet, learning a language, and changing a habit).

"Thank you, dad and mom, for giving me a sense of safety and predictability because you say what you mean, and you do what you say. I know exactly what to expect when I cannot predict what will happen in the coming months at school or among my friends. I love you." ... shared by a student during COVID lockdown. 

3. Parent's Behavioral Consistency

 Behavioral Consistency is about providing our home with predictability and safety.  When parents do what they say, and when the child knows what is to come, this gives a sense of control and safety.  When there are abrupt changes around us, we look for stability, familiarity, consistency. When parents are consistent in their words, our child will experience positive encouragement.  It is a promise made.  It will be carried out.  Kids are confident that their parents or significant adults can be trusted because they do what they say and say what they mean.  These adults are trustworthy.  But when we do not follow up with our words, disappointment follows, and negative consequences of broken trust may occur.

Behavioral Consistency is also expressed through setting up routines in the homes—a productive timetable with work and play.  A verbal routine of praise and affirmation may build self-love.  When parents set up individual dates with their children, attention and affection can be expressed without the need to compare.  The consistency and structure of meal-times, story-times, and sleep-times are wonderful spaces to relax, talk and exchange affections and love.

Behavioral Consistency provides relational and environmental predictability for our children to feel a sense of control and safety.

In summary,  being consistent is to:

The ability to adapt to all the abrupt changes is to balance consistency and flexibility.