1.1 Barriers to Building Cognitive Flexible Skills

 Below are a few reasons why we have difficulties building cognitive flexible skills:

1. Habits- Some of us are so used to thinking from our own perspectives.  We are so comfortable in our own ways.  We ignore other possibilities and live in our own world.  The lack of interactions with others may make it worse.  Then, you might ask, why on earth is anyone so stuck in their own habits?  One reason is the lack of security.

2. Lacking Security- When we grow up and experience constant rejections in what we say, think, or do, the end result is to just stick with our own ways of seeing and doing things.  This is already a better outcome than those who constantly question themselves due to rejections.  When we don't feel secure in venturing out, we will hide and get stuck in our habits.  

3. Lack of Positive Experiences- Imagine if you are learning drawing, and you are told to follow a strict guideline in every stroke and choice of colors.  The well-trained student will be perfect at imitation and technical drawing.   As for those allowed to draw freely and explore their own styles early on, new and creative styles may emerge.  By asking ourselves, where do we learn to think flexibly and creatively?  The answer and follow up actions will help us think from multiple perspectives and become more flexible. 

4. Humility- This is a basic quality to help us first receive feedback from others and the humility to accept the need to change.  Our children are the greatest teacher to give us honest feedback and hold us daily accountable to change.  If we are humble, we listen, become more aware, and accept the need to see things from their perspectives.  If we refuse to change, we are just forcing them to conform to our ways of life.  If we accept humility, we are co-creating a new journey of life, breaking old habits and family of origin baggage of Do's and Don'ts.  

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ― C.G. Jung

“To change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.” ― Stephen R. Covey

1. Parents' Cognitive Flexibility Skills

 There are two aspects of this skill that warrant our attention.  First is the ability to think about our emotions and the other person's emotions without influenced by them.  The second is the ability to see things and think from our children's perspective and not just our own.  This is also a skill that 84% of our parents endorsed as one area of development.  

What is the cognitive flexibility towards our own emotions and the other person's emotions?  This skill requires practice to first identify our emotions as we are experiencing them in real-time.  Some of us feel overwhelmed by our own emotions.  We reacted and felt sorry for the hasty and sometimes destructive outcome.  For those who can identify and label our emotions immediately, we can create a healthy distance to examine what is happening and what I need to do next.  The cognitive flexibility extends to identifying and labeling what kind of emotions drive the other party's action, namely our children.  Understanding our children's developmental needs and the emotions that drive their behaviors will give us a comprehensive view of handling the situation at hand.  This cognitive flexibility of moving from acknowledging our own emotions and emotions brings about a calming effect to devise strategies and handle difficult situations.  

As a result, we are more able to see things from our children's perspectives.  In summary, the steps to gain this cognitive flexibility in seeing multiple perspectives are as follow:

1.  When things happen at home, notice the emotional reactions and physical sensations within us.
2.  Take a deep breath first.
3.  Continue with deep, slow breathing.
4.  Identify and label the emotions within and the physical sensation.
5.  May need "timeout" for yourself and your child.
6.  Acknowledge emotions, "I am feeling angry/sad/frustrated/confused/anxious/worried/not safe/..."
7.  Acknowledge sensations, "headache, stomachache, chest pain, heartache, shoulder, arm, leg..."
8.  Befriending yourself, "I am creating space to see, feel, and understand my child now."
9.  Befriending your child by not focusing on the behaviors or the content of their words.
10.  Befriending their emotions, "I can see that you are frustrated/ I hear that you are feeling angry..."
    
11.  Continue with breathing.
12.  Continue with Acknowledging and Befriending until both parties are calm.
13.  If not, you may need further "timeout."
14.  When calm, we can affirm and confront ("I see that you are angry, you want to get my attention and let me know that you do not like this.  I will pay attention in a way that you need next time.  I hope that you can speak up instead of throwing and breaking things next time.")

As we develop our cognitive flexibility skills, there is a strong relationship with having adequate emotional capacity.  The next discussion will focus on exploring our emotional capacity development.

Survey on Adaptive Skills Needed

 Thanks to the 58 responses received from parents from P1 to S6.

Here are some of the observations:

1. Almost all parents indicated that their children need to improve in these three skill sets, Focusing, Time Management, and Self-Encouragement in their study habits.

2. Almost 80% of the parents noticed that the students need to develop adaptive skills in relating to themselves, follow by improving relationships with friends and family. 

3. In terms of self-care,  there were some differences among the age groups: for the lower primary students, self-soothing, self-affirming skills, and physical exercises are needed.  For the upper primary students, self-affirming skill stands out.  For the lower secondary students, it's similar to the lower primary students.  As for the upper secondary, self-soothing, self-affirming, and sleep are needed. 

4. For additional skills needed, assertiveness at school, self-motivation, problem-solving skills, stress management, adaptive to changes, etc.

5. As for Parents' Cognitive Flexibility Skills needed, about 84% want to improve the ability to think from their child's perspective. Also, about 54% want to think out of the box and to be able to reflect for improvement.  About half of the parents would like to think and be calm before speaking.

6. As for Parents' Emotional Management Skills needed, about 73-76% would like to develop self-soothing/calming skills. About 44% would like to have the ability to label their own emotions and express anger constructively. About 36% would like to be more self-affirming and not take on responsibility for how others feel.

7. As for Parents' Behavioral Consistency Skills needed, about 69% would like to be more present and responsive to their children.  More than half of the parents would like to give more verbal expressions of love, praises, and affirmations.  About 40% would like to hug, kiss, play, and eat together more. 

8. As for Parents' Crisis Management Skills needed, over 60% would like to develop clearer communications and risk assessment ability.  Over half of the parents would like to do more scenario planning, fact-checking, and solution-focused thinking.  

Four Basic Adaptive Skills

We are in an unprecedented time in history.  Our children are going through tremendous external changes and internal adjustments in facing school, friends, family, and self.  As parents, we want to support and journey with them.  Often, we do not feel adequate nor equip to do so.  Here are three skills that other parents have shared:

1. Cognitive Flexibility:  It is the ability to think outside of the box.  When the situation changes, we can solve the problem rather than wait for instructions.  We can adapt new perspectives in understanding an old problem.  We reflect as to improve.  And we can see options more than issues. Even more critical, we can consider others' viewpoints, especially our children.  Their perspectives open up a new vista of learning for us.  Why would Jesus say that those who enter the Kingdom of God are like children?

2. Emotional Capacity: We need to be acquainted with emotional vocabularies and hear and sense our children's feelings.  We do not rush to offer solutions, but instead, we can reflect on feelings and emotions.  This capacity to listen, bear, and be with our children's emotional life creates a deeper bond and connection.  This capacity is the key to normalizing and stabilizing the emotional storm that may come when our children reach their teenage years or face abrupt changes.

3. Behavioral Consistency: Do what we say provides relational predictability.  Develop a routine amidst the chaotic changes provide environmental predictability.  Both give our children a sense of control and safety.  Routine gives a sense of security.  This could be a verbal routine of affirmation, "I love you."  It could also be a physical routine of hugs and kisses (or just sit next to them as they grow older).  Verbal praises and affirmation are needed.  Family meals, individual dates with each kid, playtime or bedtime stories are the best routine that reaches into their hearts.  They will remember these fun and meaningful time as they weather through the storms of life.  

4. Crisis Management Skills: Crisis can be transformed into opportunity.  Young people deeply feel the impact when their friends change schools.  Asking them how they feel will help the grieving process.  Their identity and confidence mature when they learn about the losses and gains in life.  As we face all kinds of systemic and structural changes in our society, we can choose to grow the experience into an opportunity or a crisis.  We need leadership to anticipate possible risks and be proactive in formulating strategies and action options.  Anyone who stays in their shell will not last.  

We will expand and explore these skills together in the coming sessions.

Assignments:

- Please spend 5 min. to complete the survey below.  We will share the result in our next meeting.

https://forms.gle/4Bro9afDxGdpdjiW6

- Please feel free to share your best practices with other parents in the comments section below.