1.1 Barriers to Building Cognitive Flexible Skills

 Below are a few reasons why we have difficulties building cognitive flexible skills:

1. Habits- Some of us are so used to thinking from our own perspectives.  We are so comfortable in our own ways.  We ignore other possibilities and live in our own world.  The lack of interactions with others may make it worse.  Then, you might ask, why on earth is anyone so stuck in their own habits?  One reason is the lack of security.

2. Lacking Security- When we grow up and experience constant rejections in what we say, think, or do, the end result is to just stick with our own ways of seeing and doing things.  This is already a better outcome than those who constantly question themselves due to rejections.  When we don't feel secure in venturing out, we will hide and get stuck in our habits.  

3. Lack of Positive Experiences- Imagine if you are learning drawing, and you are told to follow a strict guideline in every stroke and choice of colors.  The well-trained student will be perfect at imitation and technical drawing.   As for those allowed to draw freely and explore their own styles early on, new and creative styles may emerge.  By asking ourselves, where do we learn to think flexibly and creatively?  The answer and follow up actions will help us think from multiple perspectives and become more flexible. 

4. Humility- This is a basic quality to help us first receive feedback from others and the humility to accept the need to change.  Our children are the greatest teacher to give us honest feedback and hold us daily accountable to change.  If we are humble, we listen, become more aware, and accept the need to see things from their perspectives.  If we refuse to change, we are just forcing them to conform to our ways of life.  If we accept humility, we are co-creating a new journey of life, breaking old habits and family of origin baggage of Do's and Don'ts.  

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ― C.G. Jung

“To change ourselves effectively, we first had to change our perceptions.” ― Stephen R. Covey

1. Parents' Cognitive Flexibility Skills

 There are two aspects of this skill that warrant our attention.  First is the ability to think about our emotions and the other person's emotions without influenced by them.  The second is the ability to see things and think from our children's perspective and not just our own.  This is also a skill that 84% of our parents endorsed as one area of development.  

What is the cognitive flexibility towards our own emotions and the other person's emotions?  This skill requires practice to first identify our emotions as we are experiencing them in real-time.  Some of us feel overwhelmed by our own emotions.  We reacted and felt sorry for the hasty and sometimes destructive outcome.  For those who can identify and label our emotions immediately, we can create a healthy distance to examine what is happening and what I need to do next.  The cognitive flexibility extends to identifying and labeling what kind of emotions drive the other party's action, namely our children.  Understanding our children's developmental needs and the emotions that drive their behaviors will give us a comprehensive view of handling the situation at hand.  This cognitive flexibility of moving from acknowledging our own emotions and emotions brings about a calming effect to devise strategies and handle difficult situations.  

As a result, we are more able to see things from our children's perspectives.  In summary, the steps to gain this cognitive flexibility in seeing multiple perspectives are as follow:

1.  When things happen at home, notice the emotional reactions and physical sensations within us.
2.  Take a deep breath first.
3.  Continue with deep, slow breathing.
4.  Identify and label the emotions within and the physical sensation.
5.  May need "timeout" for yourself and your child.
6.  Acknowledge emotions, "I am feeling angry/sad/frustrated/confused/anxious/worried/not safe/..."
7.  Acknowledge sensations, "headache, stomachache, chest pain, heartache, shoulder, arm, leg..."
8.  Befriending yourself, "I am creating space to see, feel, and understand my child now."
9.  Befriending your child by not focusing on the behaviors or the content of their words.
10.  Befriending their emotions, "I can see that you are frustrated/ I hear that you are feeling angry..."
    
11.  Continue with breathing.
12.  Continue with Acknowledging and Befriending until both parties are calm.
13.  If not, you may need further "timeout."
14.  When calm, we can affirm and confront ("I see that you are angry, you want to get my attention and let me know that you do not like this.  I will pay attention in a way that you need next time.  I hope that you can speak up instead of throwing and breaking things next time.")

As we develop our cognitive flexibility skills, there is a strong relationship with having adequate emotional capacity.  The next discussion will focus on exploring our emotional capacity development.